A column of international perspectives on queer Berlin

I hate reality TV shows. They are staged and edited to the point of manipulation. I also have to admit: they’re a guilty pleasure. When I feel low, I just want to mindlessly consume something ridiculous. I recently watched Prince Charming, a dating reality show where participants compete to win the heart of one man. What an odd premise. A bunch of gays stacked in a villa on Crete doing a series of single or group dates till the prince finds his man. As I watched, my thoughts couldn’t help drifting to a serious topic: the racial politics of dating.

Only three men of color were on the show. The charming prince never chose any of them for an intimate date. Never kissed any of them. Coincidence? Maybe. All who made it to the top, however, were blonds. A German friend once told me she was ‘a bit racist in her tastes’, “I’m only attracted to white guys.” Her admonition had me thinking: if racism was a system that distorts our perceptions of others, creating rifts between us, could it extend to the realm of sexuality too? Years later in Berlin, I realized she rightfully described a pattern. Some people would not date racialized people. Many of them don’t shy away from sexually excluding an entire race on their dating app profiles. ‘No Blacks. No Asians’. Among a group of people made up of millions, billions even, not one would be attractive, they proclaim, but hey, that’s not racist! This can be jarring for people of color playing the dating game on- or offline.

In fact, I don’t have qualms being excluded from someone’s prospects based on my ethnicity. Good riddance! It saves me time and energy! However, I worry about another aspect of dating I often encounter. Being reduced to my roots, my presumed culture, my features. I worry about being chosen just because I am an Araber (a word used in Germany to describe linguistically, culturally and religiously diverse populations). This comes with stereotypes of being dominant, violent, a clan member, and most likely top! In other words, being treated as a fetish. In Berlin, I often meet men who exclusively date Asians, black people or people from the ‘Middle East’. I also often hear the declaration that ‘desire is not racist’. In my view that statement is a chronic case of missing the point. Myriad factors shape our desires including our upbringing and (mis)education. To think that sexuality is bias-free or that our choices don’t affect others is naive. Racial fantasy can be a part of sexuality. What matters is how to treat the other. How to see beyond their skin. How they experience this city and the world. Instead of assuming and imposing, we should ask each other how we can meet each other’s fantasies halfway.